One of the things that I have struggled with all my life is the tendency to take on more than I can handle, coupled with a grandiose view of just how much that is. Of course this comes naturally to a kid who felt she had to take on a parenting role when she was barely 11 and her dad died leaving her mother a widow with 5 children between the ages of 2 and 13, who never quite recovered. That's a bit of a nonsensical statement, I now realize, for just how does one recover from such a thing? It is a fact, however, that she did lose her faith and never found it again, until now, when she has lost so much of her memory that she seems to reside back before she even met her dear husband, even back to before she became a Quaker as a teenager, when her whole family joined the local Quaker Meeting. (We now sing a lot of Methodist hymns and she says a Methodist grace at dinner time, I presume, since it is one I never knew.) Music is an amazing thing, she also likes to listen to Ella Fitzgerald and other music from the forties (her courting days) and some of the songs bring up such vivid feelings of loss for her that she remembers that her husband, the love of her life, died and left her and she sheds a few tears. She will also get up and dance the Charleston at the drop of a hat, or less!
I have struggled, over my adult lifetime to say "NO" to things which are really not mine to take on, or are too much for me. I have gotten better at it, but habits ingrained in childhood are hard to kick. Just now, in my life, as, you can imagine, I could reasonably expect that my plate is full. Taking care of my mother is really only the half of it. I have an over-worked family doctor for a husband, a daughter getting ready to go off to college and another house to take care of now that my oldest daughter, who has Down syndrome, has moved into her own home a few blocks away. OK, OK, that's a bit of an exaggeration, she and her housemate are doing just fine, but they do need some supervision especially since they moved in less than a month ago, and truth be told, though I assume less supervision will be required as time goes by, some will always be needed, and at least for now, the buck stops with me.
One of the folks I hired to help with my Mom, on a very part time basis, is a single Mom currently receiving assistance. While we were away on vacation a few weeks ago she staid over at our house as the night time help, and basically has not left since. Her four year old loves being at our house and we enjoy having him. Since there are often 3 or 4 teenagers staying over, (it is summer and my youngest daughter's friends hang out here), it really didn't seem like a big deal at first. But then I began to notice piles of their stuff, mostly kids videos and bags of clothes here and there and began to get worried. It has emerged that there are some problems in the house they are renting and that it is really not safe (or doesn't feel safe) to be there until they are fixed. Since the mom has another part time job, she needs help with childcare while she straightens things out, but was afraid to be upfront with her needs. I freaked out (in a mild way, at least outwardly). Inwardly I thought, oh no, I can't take on one more thing right now, the ship might actually sink.
A housemate of ours (unrelated) listened to me vent about my fears, but they only seemed to grow, until I lost sleep over it. Then something happened, I had a talk with God/the Universe/Mystery and was able to let it all go, give up trying to figure it out. At the same time, even though it still seemed risky, I was able to take a step towards the situation, not with a clear sense of being able to figure anything out or really make much of a difference, just to step out with a sense of trust that all would be well, in some unfathomable way. (To be completely honest, it was a feeling, not formed into a thought, almost as if I was propelled forward- not against my will, just against my better judgment.) I volunteered to have the 4 year old for an evening and asked others to step up and help, successfully. Those ducks just seemed to fall right into a row! And it is all manageable! It appears that the house issues are resolving, it may take another week or so, but the end is in sight, and (not without more bumps along the way, I'm sure) progress is happening- and guess what else? A little community is forming, where there is genuine potential for all of us to be of assistance to each other when its needed-AND who doesn't need a little extra help now and then?
